At some point in our life we’ll be familiar with grief; we’ll lose someone close to our heart. Whether it’s a friend, a mother, a father, a cousin, or a loved one, we’ll be affected deeply. Left with a void, a hole we won’t know the first thing about handling it.
After a closed one’s death, you’ll isolate yourself, step away from everything and everyone, from your family and friends to even the job and the community you’re in, but Family is supposed to be there for each other.
Forget about everything else. Family comes first because it’ll be the weight that keeps you from drowning in sorrows and hollows, don’t push them away, and don’t let them push you away. Don’t let your ship sink. You’ll need them now more than ever. Don’t let anything destroy your family unit.
The difference between mourning and grief
Grief is the emotional state you go through when someone dies, the distraught thoughts you can’t seem to give up. It’s everything you feel and struggle within the inside like sadness, fear and regret.
Mourning on the other hand is what happens on the outside, what you allow yourself to share, the external state you go through, whether it’s crying, or just talking about your loss; mourning is a phase you have to go through in your journey of grieving.
Once upon a time you might have thought both terms mean the same thing, you might still be thinking why would I need to differentiate between them?
Your answer is that, if you want to help yourself or someone that is grieving, you have to know that they might be grieving but they’re not mourning. They’re not facing their loss just yet, they’re not moving from an intellectual episode to an emotional one, they’re not acknowledging the reality of their loss and it’s hard to do that.
Trust me I know it is, but it’s just like Alan Wolfelt, PH.D, bereavement expert wrote in his book Healing Your Grieving Heart for Teens, “Everybody grieves inside when someone they love dies. But only people who mourn really heal and move on to live and love fully again”
How long does it take to grieve?
There is no time! we all grieve differently, we all have our own way of dealing with death. Your sister, brother or any member in the family may not share the same journey you go through, and you’ll be confused, you’ll grow to resent them for not understanding or going through what you’re struggling with.
But here’s a fact, we all have our own different grieving styles, and complicated emotions.
People might expect you to recover after a month or two because yes, life goes on, your job or school will still be waiting for you, time won’t stand still and your responsibilities will still be there.
But you may not be ready as per everybody’s expectations and that’s fine, you’ll still feel like you’ve been hit in the side of the head with a shovel, walking through your days feeling so dazed and confused you could barely work out simple directions, much less process the whole thing and move on within weeks. Functioning but not truly living, and that’s fine too.
Symptoms of grief:
- Crying
- Exhaustion
- Questioning the purpose of life and your spiritual beliefs
- Isolation from friends and family
- Headaches
- Guilt
- Fatigue
- Feelings of Detachment
- Anxiety and stress
- Loss of appetite
- Aches and pains
- Depression
- Panic attacks
You’re still wondering when the pain will go away but you have to understand first that there are different stages of grief, and you’ll soon realize which one you’re in.
Stages of grief
Before 1960, whenever was heard of death the only focus would be on cure not care, people only cared about treating the patients’s illnesses and not their emotional state.
It was the work of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross that changed this perspective of death from an approach of curing to an approach of caring. Kubler and her colleagues made a bunch of interviews with terminally ill patients.
Through these interviews, she found a common set on how we deal with death and the knowledge of dying. These common sets are the stages of grief.
According to Kubler there are 5 stages of grief:
1.Denial:
This represents the first stage. You’ll deny and avoid the inevitable, refuse the news, stay in a confused and shocked state, you won’t acknowledge the reality of the loss, and this can work as a defense mechanism against trauma and help you until you’re ready to cope with what’s happening.
Instead of being overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions, you’ll suppress them.
2.Anger:
This represents the second stage, once you realize your loved one is gone and is never coming back, once you let your emotions raise to surface; you’ll be fueled with rage and resentment towards yourself or your other family members.
You’ll blame anything and anyone. But this is a natural reaction; you have to free yourself of any negative emotions in order to truly heal.
3.Bargaining:
This third stage is where you start to beg God, or anyone for that matter to tell you that this isn’t happening, you’re desperate for anyone to come and tell you that they’re not gone, that they’ll be back, this is all to avoid grief, this is where your “what if’s” and guilt trips start. Let it.
It’ll be painful but you’re on the right track.
4.Depression:
Once you realize you can’t really bargain your way through this one. You’ll go into a state of depression.
Many people confuse grief for being only a phase of depression. But they’re wrong; grief has a beginning, middle and an end.
The middle includes depression, where you’re too numb to get out of bed, and too tired to talk or face anyone.
5.Acceptance:
This is the last stage, this is the period Kubler described as the period of peace and calm.
You finally accept that “Okay, they’re gone. But this isn’t how they want me to be, I can’t stay in this state any more, I need to be fine for them”.
You’ll get out of your numbness, you’ll go back to your friends, you’ll laugh, and you’ll accept that it’s okay to laugh once again.
It’s important that you don’t try to delay your grief, or let yourself be stuck in the process. This will only further on cause problems in your life, and between you and your family members.
How grief affects family unit
All of your family will have difficulties in adjusting with their new life without that person. You’ll experience change but have no idea how it’s affecting you, this change may destroy your relationship with your family or it can pull you even closer than ever.
It all depends on how you grieve. One day you’d want to be alone, the next you’ll be desperate for your relatives to be there with you.
As much as this is an individual experience, it’s a family one too. You will need a shoulder to cry on, a support system and that’s what your family is for.
In this devastating time you’ll lean on them for comfort. Together you’ll embrace the pain of that loss, if you confront what happened with your family, you’ll feel better than handling it all on your own.
You’ll eventually talk about the person you lost, and you’ll all share the memories you had with them, the fun happy times you all had together. Each one of you will help the other in accepting that the way you define your self has changed, you’re no more a wife, a husband, a son, or a father.
It’s a hard process that you’ll have to acknowledge every time you face life but you can adapt, you won’t forget but you’ll adapt.
It is not a weakness to rely on your family; it won’t ever do you good to step away from your family unit.
Our society is known for its epic phrases like “it’s time to move on”, “keep your head high”, “keep busy and you’ll forget” but your family will never tell you that, they’ll never make it worse because they understand, they feel your pain, they know that mourning is a process that takes place over time, that your support for each other will be available months and even years after the death of your loved one.
Other support systems
If you ever feel like you need to step away from your family, and that you need to do this using your own way, then there are other options.
Reading books
You’ll find authors whose grief is relatable and whose advice will feel somewhat relevant to you. Throughout reading about grief, somehow, someway, you might end up understanding your own. Some of these books are:
1.“Grieving: A Beginners Guide”
By Jerusha Hull McCormack (Paraclete Press, 2006)
2. I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One: “A heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.”
By Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair, Ph.D.
3.“I’m Grieving as Fast as I Can”
By Linda Feinberg (New Horizon Press, 2013)
4.When Bad Things Happen to Good People: “I wanted to write a book that could be given to the person who has been hurt by life—by death, by illness or injury, by rejection or disappointment—and who knows in his heart that if there is justice in the world, he deserved better.”
By Harold S. Kushner
You can even write at some point, make a journal, dedicating a feeling everyday, a memory, or just something that reminds you of them.
Joining group support systems
Online support websites are one place that can help create a safe, non judgmental environment where people interact with others experiencing the pangs of their grief and loss; they’ll give you the chance to begin the healing process through sharing your own story and hearing the stories of others.
They’ll offer ideas on how to keep loved ones present in your heart and in your memories without the constant feeling of pain. Some of these groups are AfterTalk, GriefNet, Daily Strength.
Take into account that these groups do not offer or assure that you’ll be resolved of your grief. This doesn’t mean they will “cure” you of your loss, rather, they’ll provide you with coping skills to help you through the most difficult days of your grief journey.
Conclusion
In the end, I know it’s not an easy road. But i also know in my heart that we, and I mean all of you out there, will get to a place where we can live with our loved ones memory in our hearts and the pain won’t be so intense.
We have to love and let ourselves be loved, look to the future and live each day as best we can.
For it is said, “Moving forward is rarely accomplished without considerable grief and sadness. And while our sorrow may be profound, the clouds will clear, and the sun will shine on us again. And in that warm, bright light we will find ourselves facing a glorious future; a future of exciting challenges and infinite possibilities, in which the horizon will stretch out before us, trimmed in the heavenly glow of the sunrise of our tomorrow”.